Epiphanista

A friend of mine recently was working on a grant application to do student/faculty research in Tunisia. After months of hard work, excitement, and stress I could sense 3,000 miles a away, a key recommender decided to back out at the last minute. Saying that he was the only faculty member with suitable experience to guide the project, and "didn't know enough about it."

The aggravating thing, is that my friend was very active in pursuing this faculty member for her project. She shared her hopes of the grant with him, and he consented to write the letter- only to back out at the last minute. And who knows why- despite his word that he would assist her with a letter of recommendation- he pulled out at the last minute. Perhaps pride. Perhaps paranoia. Perhaps sensitivity. Perhaps ego.

The bottom line is that I really feel badly for my friend, because a mirrored situation recently occurred in my life. Something seemed so close, too good to be true. Turns out it's true what they say- if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

But there is something that makes my friend's problem much worse than mine. In an email to her, I had a bit of an epiphany:

"I'm just glad that other things in my life are going well. Because I'd rather have a love interest go astray then have something else in my life screw up: fail school, gain weight, get in a fight with my family."

And I realized through this, that when given the choice between having my heart broken or gaining 20 lbs, I would choose heart break every time. When given the choice to fail school, or have my heart broken, I would choose heart broken every time. This is a sad, sad revelation- one which perhaps is too personal for a blog. But it shows me that relationships with the opposite sex is the one area of my life in which I allow myself to screw up. The only part in which I allow for errors. In this way, I create a masochistic catharsis.

My CV is great. I'm at my lowest weight since freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL and I exercise everyday. I eat very healthy, take my vitamins everyday, and don't smoke. I have a 3.9 GPA. I speak with family everyday. I take great care in maintaining my friendships. I take great care of my clothes, dishes, carpet, and all my possessions. I take care of my spiritual needs. I travel. I live in Northern Ireland. My love life- stinks. And it's because I place so much emphasis on the area in which mistakes and failures are the most commonplace. A dangerous place to focus my attention, but the squeaky wheel always gets the grease, they say.

My challenge to myself, after having this epiphany, is to take at least as good care of my heart as I do of my makeup brushes. My challenge is to open my mind so that I understand mistakes are mistakes, errors are errors, and shortcomings are shortcomings, and I can allow them to happen in all parts of my life. I am only human, and there shouldn't be a compartment of my life that is dedicated to times when I feel like screwing up. I challenge myself to take more risks in other parts of my life, not just the part where it is okay if it all "goes to hell in a handbasket." To level the playing field, to take some pressure off that part of my life.

And just to lighten the mood:

Incorrigibly Plural

Went to a reading tonight sponsored by the English Department at Queen's University Belfast tonight, where poet Paul Muldoon read a poem entitled "Snow" by Louis MacNiece. I thought it really captured how I feel about the world at the moment, and here it is:

The room was suddenly rich and the great bay-window was
Spawning snow and pink roses against it
Soundlessly collateral and incompatible:
World is suddener than we fancy it.

World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural. I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.

And the fire flames with a bubbling sound for world
Is more spiteful and gay than one supposes -
On the tongue on the eyes on the ears in the palms of one's hands -
There is more than glass between the snow and the huge roses.



There are many times when I walk down the street in Belfast, sun shining, and rain falling on my face. And I think, "Yup, that's about right." There is so much in life that is so rewarding, and so much that is more challenging than I have ever experienced before. Acknowledging my priorities, while at the same time feeling the urge to totally break from them. The world isn't black or white or even gray, as I've seen lately. It's a checked pattern of happy and sad- challenges and rewards. Love and heartbreak. And after reflecting on this during the poetry reading, I think the point of it is just to learn how to embrace the ambiguity.

Gilda Radner once said, and it has been my favorite quote for years, the following:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

Living in Belfast is so full of challenges and sometimes I learn so much in one day I think my head might explode or fall off my neck from the weight of it. At the same time, there are so many wonderful things I am experiencing, many of which I think may fit into the framework of the rest of my life. It sounds incredibly vague and indulgent, yes. But my experience here in Belfast has been exactly those two things, along with being quintessentially grown-up. Learning where budgeting and studying and socializing fit into the timetable of my day, all whilst learning an abstract ideal that the world is much suddener than I am inclined to believe. Accepting that all this could change within moments, and learning to embrace it.

Things I Love

For those not on facebook, I published an album this week of photos documenting good food I've cooked and eaten this summer until now, an ongoing collection of culinary memory. Here is a public link to access it:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=264224&id=500492088&l=b2cdc8d9d1

Lately I have been waking up around 6 naturally, and it's quite strange. Usually I have just been going back to sleep, but today I decided to just stay up. And I found out why there are "morning people" in the world. Now, this isn't the first early morning of my life, but being an avid fan of sleeping in, usually when faced with an option of waking up or sleeping I pick sleeping.

This morning, however, I woke up at 6. I read some, took a shower, surfed the web, made breakfast, watched Frasier, and cleaned my kitchen. Next I'm going to work on some real homework.

I suppose that some people find spontaneity to be a treat,however, I find consistency to be rare in my life. I get up and go to sleep at different hours every day. I eat one meal a day, then the next, four meals. Sometimes I go to the library until late at night. This is the life of a student. But now I am going to make a refined effort to add some ritual in my routine. Is this what it means to grow up??? Oh well!

Ghetto Fabulous

I wonder what a version of me ten years older would think if she spent one day walking in my shoes and living in my home. There are a couple things I think she'd be unimpressed with.

Like the singular fork I claim as my possession. Only one fork to eat with, cook with, and clean. A lone fork, washed three times daily and dried on the rack, that is seldom dried by a towel because the towel is seldom clean.

The two towels, one of which is dirty and ready for washing, and the other of which is still drying from my last shower, the last shower that was taken before 10 pm, as that is when the hot water shuts off.

And then venturing onto my desk, where there is a can of pennies (pence?) marked candy fund, which is a habit which most people give up by the age of five. I started this habit five days ago.

But all these things that me, ten years from now, might scoff at, make me a bit glad, as they all suggest a certain practicality and simplicity. For instance, I only have one fork (and one bowl, one spoon, and one plate for that matter) so that dishes do not accumulate. If I need a fork, I have to wash it. So far the system has worked impeccably.

As for the jar of pennies/pence- thoroughly utilitarian, as it is doing wonders at the moment to curb my sweet tooth and save me bits of money here and there. The heavier the jar, the lighter I am.

As for the towels, and the cold water, well, I can't say I'm thrilled about either of those. But tonight as I was washing my hands in the cold faucet of my shared bathroom, I thought, when else in my life will this even be acceptable? And when else in life will I be this happy, given my conditions? The answer is never.

Ecclesiates 3:1 says that "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Now, owning only one fork is a pretty weird purpose to have under heaven, but I think I get the point.

Not having nice stuff (except my clothes, which were purchased in a different season, literally and figuratively) makes you appreciate nice experiences and nice people. Like today, I was surprised by a friend by an old book entitled "Speakin' Norn Iron as She Should Be Spoke." The book now holds a place of high esteem in my household.

Whenever I can find one bad thing in my life, I usually find that with it comes 100 good things. Maybe this is because I watched Pollyanna too much as a child, but I think it is probably that I am very blessed. Waltzing in with my complaints of my new home are the ridiculously awesome things: Living in a beautiful, historic city- and the best location in town, might I add! Getting a top-drawer education where most of my professors wrote the textbook for the class. Meeting people from all over the world passionate about their studies. Getting the chance to travel to places I wouldn't even have dreamed of at one time.

So, while my life at times may reek of ghetto, it is more than compensated for by the abundance of fabulous in my life.



Some graffiti in Dublin- even better- graffiti with typos! My favorite kind.

So Freakin' Bad

"I wanna be a billionaire, so freakin bad"

To continue with my shallow entries, I've been thinking lately about what I would do with a billion dollars. And here it is! Shallow and fun, fun, fun.

I would...

Live in a place with hot water after 10 PM!

Shop at Marks & Spenser, not Tesco.

Shop at Karen Millen, not Primark.

Take Cabs!

Have more than two towels!

Have more than one fork!

Live in a place where I decide when the heat is on.

Eat something other than spaghetti

Go on a cruise around the world...like 108 days on the Queen Elizabeth. Oh, and take my whole family!

Give Gloria the Nissan anything she needs.

Buy Keeker a new collar.

A whole matching set of Georg Jensen daisy jewelry.

My mom every pair of shoes she ever wanted.

My dad whatever car he wants.

I have no idea what I would buy my brother, even if I had a billion dollars!

give a whole bunch of money to something important like research for skin diseases.

Start a scholarship for someone who matches my description

Heck, pay for my own school! And do my Master's Degree too!

Buy a round of Guinness for all my friends.

What's red, plaid, and cute all over?

Dear God,

Thank you for my hot tutor, Tom.

Love,

Katrina.


A break my vow of serious life observation style-writing to bring you this urgent news. My tutor is totally adorable. Wears plaid and glasses and blushes a lot.

I can see it now:

(Katrina, SL, graps a green folder and a stack of notebooks in her arms as she approaches the door of her tutor, Mr. Hobbes.)

K: Ehem, knock knock!
T: Why come on in, what can I do you for?
K: Um, well, Tom- That's okay if I call you that, right, Tom?
T: Oh, sure, yah, that's a-fine.
K: Anyways, I am looking for this text...

(At this moment it is clear to the audience that Katrina does not require this text, as it is obscure and unnecessary on the reading list. It is quite clear she has knowingly found his master's dissertation amongst the list)

K: Anyways, I thought this sounds like something I would love to focus on!
T: Well, actually, I have a copy right here, um, I-a wrote it you see!
K: What? Really? WOW!
T: Yes, Yes, sure enough.
K: Well, as I said, I'd love to focus on you, I mean...your paper.
T: Ok, well, let me highlight a few sections I'd recommend to you........

(The scene pans out and the lights fade. End of Act I.)

Note:
All characters and events depicted on this site are fictional, and any resemblance to persons living, dead, or fictional or situations past, present, or fictional is purely and completely coincidental.

The Summary You've Been Holding Your Breath For

In light of my last two sentimental and reflective entries, I have decided to write something a bit cheerier and fast-paced. I have a lot of ground to cover, so hold your horses!

Belfast is a wonderful city. Sometimes it even reminds me of DC- if Capitol Hill and "U" Street had a baby, that child would be Belfast. It is truly a mix of old and new, fast and slow, nice and uh- not so nice. Like DC, it can go from beautiful and historic to dodgy with just the turn of a corner. But none of that stops me from enjoying just walking around the city. I am living in Mount Charles, a beautiful, historic street in Queen's Quarter. It is the childhood home of an Irish poet whose name I can't recall just now. The street is lined with trees with giant, green leaves, and the roofs of the buildings are topped with all different shapes of chimneys like frosting on a cupcake. At night, the street is loud with drunk students walking home, which in an odd way is comforting.

During the day, men in suits and powerhouse women in clacking high heels pace the sidewalk going about their business with the utmost urgency. My window is about 7 feet tall, and I really enjoy just standing up in it and watching the people walk by. When I leave my house and head out to Malone road, there is tiny restaurants dotting the way to the University. Up further is the Lanyon building, which is innately beautiful. Every time I walk by, given the light, it looks different. I carry my camera at all times for when the Lanyon building will strike a perfect pose.

Across from it is the Student's Union, which on Monday nights, is decorated with hundreds of drunk fresher boys, and girls in mini-skirts and high heels. They are waiting to go into one of the many University sponsored bars and clubs. Unbelievable to me, really, since I am a product of a Methodist education. But nevertheless, they line up for a good time. All this is not to say that I am exempt from this activity.

Further down is the Belfast Botanical Gardens, which are both beautiful and accessible. A couple weeks ago there was a sort of bazaar there, where you could taste all sorts of food and drink. I bought this Irish goat's cheese which truly changed my life. It's called Boilie, which is a French word, but made from Irish goats, and covered in Sunflower oil, spices, and peppercorns. While food here in the UK is notoriously awful (yes, so, so, so awful), this is one food that captured my affection. I bought two containers.

If I go down further still, there is Ulster Bank, which is continuously bothersome to me. I still haven't received my account number, and I am awaiting a phone call from the bank-man today. Keep walking and there is what my travel book calls the "Trinity" of student pubs- The Eglantine, The Botanic, and I don't really know what the third is. I haven't been in the Eg yet, but my friends and I are regulars at the Bot. There is live music almost every night and is so close. Across the street is Fisherwick's church, where today, and every Thursday, I eat a free lunch of soup and hot dogs. And because it is free, it is thereby delicious.

Starting at home and flipping around the other direction is Downtown, or as the Euro's prefer "City Center." I keep complaining because "downtown" is literally one of my favorite words in the English language, and I can't use it without sounding like a cliche American. But whatever you call it, there is a lot to be seen and done. The shopping is excellent- two sort of malls, and lots of shops. Victoria Square is stunning- It cost like 300 Million pounds or something like it to build this giant glass dome over an outdoor shopping center. You can climb the dome and look out over the whole of Belfast. Build within the glass are millions of bulbs which change colors from blue to purple. It is really impressive and if anyone comes to visit we will for sure go here.

There are also so many charming Irish pubs its unbelievable. Uncomfortable slanted wooden chairs, old leather booths, the whole nine yards. Then there is The Crown bar which is across from the Europa Hotel, formerly the most bombed hotel in Europe. The Crown was designed for the privacy of its visitors- meaning, there are private booths with doors that close for you and your "mates." I'm told it is because when there was a lot of violence between groups in Belfast, when you came into the pub, you didn't know who else was there, so there was less fighting. When I went, it was with my housemates, and we were the only girls at the establishment. When a booth finally opened up, we made our way in, and were followed by one British man after the other, until there were around 20 people in this stall. They had just flown to Belfast for the evening for a stag party, and were really a lot of fun. It was such a good first experience to have here at the Crown, which I would consider Belfast's main attraction. I will be back for sure soon, most likely at my birthday.

Then of course Belfast City Hall marks the City Center. It is so beautiful, especially lit up at night. A must-see if you are ever here. It is beautiful everyday, but like in DC, when you walk by something everyday that is so beautiful it just becomes part of the landscape, a part of the walk. So I'm pretty thrilled to have beauty as part of my daily routine between the Lanyon Building and City Hall.

In addition to the city, my expectations have been overcome with my courses. Here, I am taking three courses, or "modules." Each consists of two one-hour lectures a week, with a one-hour tutorial. The courses I am taking are 1. The Politics of Deeply Divided Societies 2. Modern Political Thought and 3. The Politics of Irish Literature.

The first course is amazing, and I can't believe how jam-packed they are of information. The professors are so professional, and don't waste your time- not to mention so smart and poised. Everyday, in all my classes, in fact, I say "Oh my, really? Wow." I feel the level of education here is outstanding and I'm looking forward more and more to classes. Modern Political Thought has a very witty and clever lecturer and I think the philosophy part is fascinating.

The Politics of Irish Literature is very in-depth, and I think I will have trouble keeping up. The lecturer is nothing short of genius, and after an hour of hearing her speak I feel as though I need a nap. It's actual politics, not just reading novels. We are discussing texts from anthropological maps, to poetry, to travel guides of the 18th Century. I know I'm already behind some of the others in the class, but I won't drop it because I think there is so much to learn.

Besides classes, there is so much opportunity to participate in clubs. Last night I took part in part of a fencing club, but spent most of the evening rock climbing in the the physical education center. Let me just say that I am in love. I climbed up three times, and got a genuine high- really, I was just thrilled. It's just the challenge and the goal- and tangibly reaching it at the top. Feels so good! I think I will join the club as I had such an amazing experience last night doing that.

There is still so much I haven't seen in my three weeks in Belfast and beyond! This Saturday I am visiting Londonderry. I accidentally registered for a trip for Anthropology majors, but I guess they are letting me attend anyways. We leave at 7 AM on Saturday, then arrive in Derry for a traditional breakfast. We will spend all day in museums, which will be a real treat for me- I have come to discover whirlwind sightseeing isn't for me. A discovery which I will write about in depth later.

Tomorrow morning I will visit the Ulster Museum, which I have wanted to see since I have been here. It is free, and I think absolutely essential to understanding my politics of Irish Literature Course. I will probably bring a pen and paper! I have still to see the murals, the site where the Titanic was built, and Belfast Castle. These are all on my to-do list, among a wealth of other things like homework, bank account, etc. It seems to never end. However, in the midst of all the stress, I am having a great time trying to find up from down.

Before my sign off, just a shout-out to my iPhone and to American Food. I miss you.