Epiphanista

A friend of mine recently was working on a grant application to do student/faculty research in Tunisia. After months of hard work, excitement, and stress I could sense 3,000 miles a away, a key recommender decided to back out at the last minute. Saying that he was the only faculty member with suitable experience to guide the project, and "didn't know enough about it."

The aggravating thing, is that my friend was very active in pursuing this faculty member for her project. She shared her hopes of the grant with him, and he consented to write the letter- only to back out at the last minute. And who knows why- despite his word that he would assist her with a letter of recommendation- he pulled out at the last minute. Perhaps pride. Perhaps paranoia. Perhaps sensitivity. Perhaps ego.

The bottom line is that I really feel badly for my friend, because a mirrored situation recently occurred in my life. Something seemed so close, too good to be true. Turns out it's true what they say- if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

But there is something that makes my friend's problem much worse than mine. In an email to her, I had a bit of an epiphany:

"I'm just glad that other things in my life are going well. Because I'd rather have a love interest go astray then have something else in my life screw up: fail school, gain weight, get in a fight with my family."

And I realized through this, that when given the choice between having my heart broken or gaining 20 lbs, I would choose heart break every time. When given the choice to fail school, or have my heart broken, I would choose heart broken every time. This is a sad, sad revelation- one which perhaps is too personal for a blog. But it shows me that relationships with the opposite sex is the one area of my life in which I allow myself to screw up. The only part in which I allow for errors. In this way, I create a masochistic catharsis.

My CV is great. I'm at my lowest weight since freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL and I exercise everyday. I eat very healthy, take my vitamins everyday, and don't smoke. I have a 3.9 GPA. I speak with family everyday. I take great care in maintaining my friendships. I take great care of my clothes, dishes, carpet, and all my possessions. I take care of my spiritual needs. I travel. I live in Northern Ireland. My love life- stinks. And it's because I place so much emphasis on the area in which mistakes and failures are the most commonplace. A dangerous place to focus my attention, but the squeaky wheel always gets the grease, they say.

My challenge to myself, after having this epiphany, is to take at least as good care of my heart as I do of my makeup brushes. My challenge is to open my mind so that I understand mistakes are mistakes, errors are errors, and shortcomings are shortcomings, and I can allow them to happen in all parts of my life. I am only human, and there shouldn't be a compartment of my life that is dedicated to times when I feel like screwing up. I challenge myself to take more risks in other parts of my life, not just the part where it is okay if it all "goes to hell in a handbasket." To level the playing field, to take some pressure off that part of my life.

And just to lighten the mood: