Did you know there are two definitions of the word "Intern?"
a. A student or a recent graduate undergoing supervised practical training.
b. To confine, especially in wartime.
Well, it may not be wartime, but I can definitel say I've been confined in the meantime. And oh, how the time is mean.
I do think that "career path" is a very luxurious term, and forgive me, a bit of BS. I've had little to no choice on my "career path," which has been less of a path and more like hitchhiking. Not to be dramatic (but hey, I'm blogging, so why not?) but this internship has left me on the sketchy outskirts of town, clutching my bag as the bus comes to a stop saying "oh...no..."
I've listened to this poem a hundred times before, just wanted to make a record of it here so I never forget about it. If you haven't heard Bob Dylan's poem about Woody Guthrie, and you've ever struggled, ever, you'll be happy that you did.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Joni Mitchell and Grocery Bags
Here I am, once more, a stranger to my blog. What prompts me to return to this is a definite and sincere feeling of Wanderlust once more.
Today, looking out the window, I was thinking of how I feel like I am being blown around in the wind. No matter what I do, the wind is more powerful than I. More specifically, I am a plastic grocery bag that is stuck in the tree.
I am a source of annoyance to the tree as well as the passer-by. I am not there on my own accord, but rather, time, chance, and weather have happened to me. And here I am, bits of me stuck in a place I don't want to be. Waiting for the wind to blow the right direction to take me somewhere new, or some novelty tree-bagger removers to come and lift me out.
All this might sound a bit desperate, coming from the blogger who -literally- once said that the world is my oyster. Up in this tree I am inclined to feel differently.
I wonder what advice I'd give the bag. It's probably the advice most people tell me these days- "Hang in there." It's boderline offensive when all I can do is indeed, hang in here.
I know one thing: that all of a sudden, your life can change. It's my hope that the wind will soon carry me. I'm always thinking of Joni Mitchell songs nowadays (Let the wind carry me, for one). Mostly it's "Both Sides Now." Let's post my favorite verse:
Tears and fears and feeling proud
to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads,
they say I've changed.
Something's lost
but something's gained in living every day.
I think Joni must have been 23 when she wrote this song. I remember these blogs having an optimistic ending, but I'm afraid all I can say now is that even though I don't believe my upcoming change will be easy, I do have faith that it will happen. And I think that's something.
I am a source of annoyance to the tree as well as the passer-by. I am not there on my own accord, but rather, time, chance, and weather have happened to me. And here I am, bits of me stuck in a place I don't want to be. Waiting for the wind to blow the right direction to take me somewhere new, or some novelty tree-bagger removers to come and lift me out.
All this might sound a bit desperate, coming from the blogger who -literally- once said that the world is my oyster. Up in this tree I am inclined to feel differently.
I wonder what advice I'd give the bag. It's probably the advice most people tell me these days- "Hang in there." It's boderline offensive when all I can do is indeed, hang in here.
I know one thing: that all of a sudden, your life can change. It's my hope that the wind will soon carry me. I'm always thinking of Joni Mitchell songs nowadays (Let the wind carry me, for one). Mostly it's "Both Sides Now." Let's post my favorite verse:
Tears and fears and feeling proud
to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads,
they say I've changed.
Something's lost
but something's gained in living every day.
I think Joni must have been 23 when she wrote this song. I remember these blogs having an optimistic ending, but I'm afraid all I can say now is that even though I don't believe my upcoming change will be easy, I do have faith that it will happen. And I think that's something.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Epiphanista
A friend of mine recently was working on a grant application to do student/faculty research in Tunisia. After months of hard work, excitement, and stress I could sense 3,000 miles a away, a key recommender decided to back out at the last minute. Saying that he was the only faculty member with suitable experience to guide the project, and "didn't know enough about it."
The aggravating thing, is that my friend was very active in pursuing this faculty member for her project. She shared her hopes of the grant with him, and he consented to write the letter- only to back out at the last minute. And who knows why- despite his word that he would assist her with a letter of recommendation- he pulled out at the last minute. Perhaps pride. Perhaps paranoia. Perhaps sensitivity. Perhaps ego.
The bottom line is that I really feel badly for my friend, because a mirrored situation recently occurred in my life. Something seemed so close, too good to be true. Turns out it's true what they say- if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
But there is something that makes my friend's problem much worse than mine. In an email to her, I had a bit of an epiphany:
"I'm just glad that other things in my life are going well. Because I'd rather have a love interest go astray then have something else in my life screw up: fail school, gain weight, get in a fight with my family."
And I realized through this, that when given the choice between having my heart broken or gaining 20 lbs, I would choose heart break every time. When given the choice to fail school, or have my heart broken, I would choose heart broken every time. This is a sad, sad revelation- one which perhaps is too personal for a blog. But it shows me that relationships with the opposite sex is the one area of my life in which I allow myself to screw up. The only part in which I allow for errors. In this way, I create a masochistic catharsis.
My CV is great. I'm at my lowest weight since freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL and I exercise everyday. I eat very healthy, take my vitamins everyday, and don't smoke. I have a 3.9 GPA. I speak with family everyday. I take great care in maintaining my friendships. I take great care of my clothes, dishes, carpet, and all my possessions. I take care of my spiritual needs. I travel. I live in Northern Ireland. My love life- stinks. And it's because I place so much emphasis on the area in which mistakes and failures are the most commonplace. A dangerous place to focus my attention, but the squeaky wheel always gets the grease, they say.
My challenge to myself, after having this epiphany, is to take at least as good care of my heart as I do of my makeup brushes. My challenge is to open my mind so that I understand mistakes are mistakes, errors are errors, and shortcomings are shortcomings, and I can allow them to happen in all parts of my life. I am only human, and there shouldn't be a compartment of my life that is dedicated to times when I feel like screwing up. I challenge myself to take more risks in other parts of my life, not just the part where it is okay if it all "goes to hell in a handbasket." To level the playing field, to take some pressure off that part of my life.
And just to lighten the mood:
The aggravating thing, is that my friend was very active in pursuing this faculty member for her project. She shared her hopes of the grant with him, and he consented to write the letter- only to back out at the last minute. And who knows why- despite his word that he would assist her with a letter of recommendation- he pulled out at the last minute. Perhaps pride. Perhaps paranoia. Perhaps sensitivity. Perhaps ego.
The bottom line is that I really feel badly for my friend, because a mirrored situation recently occurred in my life. Something seemed so close, too good to be true. Turns out it's true what they say- if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
But there is something that makes my friend's problem much worse than mine. In an email to her, I had a bit of an epiphany:
"I'm just glad that other things in my life are going well. Because I'd rather have a love interest go astray then have something else in my life screw up: fail school, gain weight, get in a fight with my family."
And I realized through this, that when given the choice between having my heart broken or gaining 20 lbs, I would choose heart break every time. When given the choice to fail school, or have my heart broken, I would choose heart broken every time. This is a sad, sad revelation- one which perhaps is too personal for a blog. But it shows me that relationships with the opposite sex is the one area of my life in which I allow myself to screw up. The only part in which I allow for errors. In this way, I create a masochistic catharsis.
My CV is great. I'm at my lowest weight since freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL and I exercise everyday. I eat very healthy, take my vitamins everyday, and don't smoke. I have a 3.9 GPA. I speak with family everyday. I take great care in maintaining my friendships. I take great care of my clothes, dishes, carpet, and all my possessions. I take care of my spiritual needs. I travel. I live in Northern Ireland. My love life- stinks. And it's because I place so much emphasis on the area in which mistakes and failures are the most commonplace. A dangerous place to focus my attention, but the squeaky wheel always gets the grease, they say.
My challenge to myself, after having this epiphany, is to take at least as good care of my heart as I do of my makeup brushes. My challenge is to open my mind so that I understand mistakes are mistakes, errors are errors, and shortcomings are shortcomings, and I can allow them to happen in all parts of my life. I am only human, and there shouldn't be a compartment of my life that is dedicated to times when I feel like screwing up. I challenge myself to take more risks in other parts of my life, not just the part where it is okay if it all "goes to hell in a handbasket." To level the playing field, to take some pressure off that part of my life.
And just to lighten the mood:
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Incorrigibly Plural
Went to a reading tonight sponsored by the English Department at Queen's University Belfast tonight, where poet Paul Muldoon read a poem entitled "Snow" by Louis MacNiece. I thought it really captured how I feel about the world at the moment, and here it is:
The room was suddenly rich and the great bay-window was
Spawning snow and pink roses against it
Soundlessly collateral and incompatible:
World is suddener than we fancy it.
World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural. I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.
And the fire flames with a bubbling sound for world
Is more spiteful and gay than one supposes -
On the tongue on the eyes on the ears in the palms of one's hands -
There is more than glass between the snow and the huge roses.
There are many times when I walk down the street in Belfast, sun shining, and rain falling on my face. And I think, "Yup, that's about right." There is so much in life that is so rewarding, and so much that is more challenging than I have ever experienced before. Acknowledging my priorities, while at the same time feeling the urge to totally break from them. The world isn't black or white or even gray, as I've seen lately. It's a checked pattern of happy and sad- challenges and rewards. Love and heartbreak. And after reflecting on this during the poetry reading, I think the point of it is just to learn how to embrace the ambiguity.
Gilda Radner once said, and it has been my favorite quote for years, the following:
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."
Living in Belfast is so full of challenges and sometimes I learn so much in one day I think my head might explode or fall off my neck from the weight of it. At the same time, there are so many wonderful things I am experiencing, many of which I think may fit into the framework of the rest of my life. It sounds incredibly vague and indulgent, yes. But my experience here in Belfast has been exactly those two things, along with being quintessentially grown-up. Learning where budgeting and studying and socializing fit into the timetable of my day, all whilst learning an abstract ideal that the world is much suddener than I am inclined to believe. Accepting that all this could change within moments, and learning to embrace it.
The room was suddenly rich and the great bay-window was
Spawning snow and pink roses against it
Soundlessly collateral and incompatible:
World is suddener than we fancy it.
World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural. I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.
And the fire flames with a bubbling sound for world
Is more spiteful and gay than one supposes -
On the tongue on the eyes on the ears in the palms of one's hands -
There is more than glass between the snow and the huge roses.
There are many times when I walk down the street in Belfast, sun shining, and rain falling on my face. And I think, "Yup, that's about right." There is so much in life that is so rewarding, and so much that is more challenging than I have ever experienced before. Acknowledging my priorities, while at the same time feeling the urge to totally break from them. The world isn't black or white or even gray, as I've seen lately. It's a checked pattern of happy and sad- challenges and rewards. Love and heartbreak. And after reflecting on this during the poetry reading, I think the point of it is just to learn how to embrace the ambiguity.
Gilda Radner once said, and it has been my favorite quote for years, the following:
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."
Living in Belfast is so full of challenges and sometimes I learn so much in one day I think my head might explode or fall off my neck from the weight of it. At the same time, there are so many wonderful things I am experiencing, many of which I think may fit into the framework of the rest of my life. It sounds incredibly vague and indulgent, yes. But my experience here in Belfast has been exactly those two things, along with being quintessentially grown-up. Learning where budgeting and studying and socializing fit into the timetable of my day, all whilst learning an abstract ideal that the world is much suddener than I am inclined to believe. Accepting that all this could change within moments, and learning to embrace it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Things I Love
For those not on facebook, I published an album this week of photos documenting good food I've cooked and eaten this summer until now, an ongoing collection of culinary memory. Here is a public link to access it:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=264224&id=500492088&l=b2cdc8d9d1
Lately I have been waking up around 6 naturally, and it's quite strange. Usually I have just been going back to sleep, but today I decided to just stay up. And I found out why there are "morning people" in the world. Now, this isn't the first early morning of my life, but being an avid fan of sleeping in, usually when faced with an option of waking up or sleeping I pick sleeping.
This morning, however, I woke up at 6. I read some, took a shower, surfed the web, made breakfast, watched Frasier, and cleaned my kitchen. Next I'm going to work on some real homework.
I suppose that some people find spontaneity to be a treat,however, I find consistency to be rare in my life. I get up and go to sleep at different hours every day. I eat one meal a day, then the next, four meals. Sometimes I go to the library until late at night. This is the life of a student. But now I am going to make a refined effort to add some ritual in my routine. Is this what it means to grow up??? Oh well!
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=264224&id=500492088&l=b2cdc8d9d1
Lately I have been waking up around 6 naturally, and it's quite strange. Usually I have just been going back to sleep, but today I decided to just stay up. And I found out why there are "morning people" in the world. Now, this isn't the first early morning of my life, but being an avid fan of sleeping in, usually when faced with an option of waking up or sleeping I pick sleeping.
This morning, however, I woke up at 6. I read some, took a shower, surfed the web, made breakfast, watched Frasier, and cleaned my kitchen. Next I'm going to work on some real homework.
I suppose that some people find spontaneity to be a treat,however, I find consistency to be rare in my life. I get up and go to sleep at different hours every day. I eat one meal a day, then the next, four meals. Sometimes I go to the library until late at night. This is the life of a student. But now I am going to make a refined effort to add some ritual in my routine. Is this what it means to grow up??? Oh well!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Ghetto Fabulous
I wonder what a version of me ten years older would think if she spent one day walking in my shoes and living in my home. There are a couple things I think she'd be unimpressed with.
Like the singular fork I claim as my possession. Only one fork to eat with, cook with, and clean. A lone fork, washed three times daily and dried on the rack, that is seldom dried by a towel because the towel is seldom clean.
The two towels, one of which is dirty and ready for washing, and the other of which is still drying from my last shower, the last shower that was taken before 10 pm, as that is when the hot water shuts off.
And then venturing onto my desk, where there is a can of pennies (pence?) marked candy fund, which is a habit which most people give up by the age of five. I started this habit five days ago.
But all these things that me, ten years from now, might scoff at, make me a bit glad, as they all suggest a certain practicality and simplicity. For instance, I only have one fork (and one bowl, one spoon, and one plate for that matter) so that dishes do not accumulate. If I need a fork, I have to wash it. So far the system has worked impeccably.
As for the jar of pennies/pence- thoroughly utilitarian, as it is doing wonders at the moment to curb my sweet tooth and save me bits of money here and there. The heavier the jar, the lighter I am.
As for the towels, and the cold water, well, I can't say I'm thrilled about either of those. But tonight as I was washing my hands in the cold faucet of my shared bathroom, I thought, when else in my life will this even be acceptable? And when else in life will I be this happy, given my conditions? The answer is never.
Ecclesiates 3:1 says that "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Now, owning only one fork is a pretty weird purpose to have under heaven, but I think I get the point.
Not having nice stuff (except my clothes, which were purchased in a different season, literally and figuratively) makes you appreciate nice experiences and nice people. Like today, I was surprised by a friend by an old book entitled "Speakin' Norn Iron as She Should Be Spoke." The book now holds a place of high esteem in my household.
Whenever I can find one bad thing in my life, I usually find that with it comes 100 good things. Maybe this is because I watched Pollyanna too much as a child, but I think it is probably that I am very blessed. Waltzing in with my complaints of my new home are the ridiculously awesome things: Living in a beautiful, historic city- and the best location in town, might I add! Getting a top-drawer education where most of my professors wrote the textbook for the class. Meeting people from all over the world passionate about their studies. Getting the chance to travel to places I wouldn't even have dreamed of at one time.
So, while my life at times may reek of ghetto, it is more than compensated for by the abundance of fabulous in my life.
Some graffiti in Dublin- even better- graffiti with typos! My favorite kind.
Like the singular fork I claim as my possession. Only one fork to eat with, cook with, and clean. A lone fork, washed three times daily and dried on the rack, that is seldom dried by a towel because the towel is seldom clean.
The two towels, one of which is dirty and ready for washing, and the other of which is still drying from my last shower, the last shower that was taken before 10 pm, as that is when the hot water shuts off.
And then venturing onto my desk, where there is a can of pennies (pence?) marked candy fund, which is a habit which most people give up by the age of five. I started this habit five days ago.
But all these things that me, ten years from now, might scoff at, make me a bit glad, as they all suggest a certain practicality and simplicity. For instance, I only have one fork (and one bowl, one spoon, and one plate for that matter) so that dishes do not accumulate. If I need a fork, I have to wash it. So far the system has worked impeccably.
As for the jar of pennies/pence- thoroughly utilitarian, as it is doing wonders at the moment to curb my sweet tooth and save me bits of money here and there. The heavier the jar, the lighter I am.
As for the towels, and the cold water, well, I can't say I'm thrilled about either of those. But tonight as I was washing my hands in the cold faucet of my shared bathroom, I thought, when else in my life will this even be acceptable? And when else in life will I be this happy, given my conditions? The answer is never.
Ecclesiates 3:1 says that "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Now, owning only one fork is a pretty weird purpose to have under heaven, but I think I get the point.
Not having nice stuff (except my clothes, which were purchased in a different season, literally and figuratively) makes you appreciate nice experiences and nice people. Like today, I was surprised by a friend by an old book entitled "Speakin' Norn Iron as She Should Be Spoke." The book now holds a place of high esteem in my household.
Whenever I can find one bad thing in my life, I usually find that with it comes 100 good things. Maybe this is because I watched Pollyanna too much as a child, but I think it is probably that I am very blessed. Waltzing in with my complaints of my new home are the ridiculously awesome things: Living in a beautiful, historic city- and the best location in town, might I add! Getting a top-drawer education where most of my professors wrote the textbook for the class. Meeting people from all over the world passionate about their studies. Getting the chance to travel to places I wouldn't even have dreamed of at one time.
So, while my life at times may reek of ghetto, it is more than compensated for by the abundance of fabulous in my life.
Some graffiti in Dublin- even better- graffiti with typos! My favorite kind.
So Freakin' Bad
"I wanna be a billionaire, so freakin bad"
To continue with my shallow entries, I've been thinking lately about what I would do with a billion dollars. And here it is! Shallow and fun, fun, fun.
I would...
Live in a place with hot water after 10 PM!
Shop at Marks & Spenser, not Tesco.
Shop at Karen Millen, not Primark.
Take Cabs!
Have more than two towels!
Have more than one fork!
Live in a place where I decide when the heat is on.
Eat something other than spaghetti
Go on a cruise around the world...like 108 days on the Queen Elizabeth. Oh, and take my whole family!
Give Gloria the Nissan anything she needs.
Buy Keeker a new collar.
A whole matching set of Georg Jensen daisy jewelry.
My mom every pair of shoes she ever wanted.
My dad whatever car he wants.
I have no idea what I would buy my brother, even if I had a billion dollars!
give a whole bunch of money to something important like research for skin diseases.
Start a scholarship for someone who matches my description
Heck, pay for my own school! And do my Master's Degree too!
Buy a round of Guinness for all my friends.
To continue with my shallow entries, I've been thinking lately about what I would do with a billion dollars. And here it is! Shallow and fun, fun, fun.
I would...
Live in a place with hot water after 10 PM!
Shop at Marks & Spenser, not Tesco.
Shop at Karen Millen, not Primark.
Take Cabs!
Have more than two towels!
Have more than one fork!
Live in a place where I decide when the heat is on.
Eat something other than spaghetti
Go on a cruise around the world...like 108 days on the Queen Elizabeth. Oh, and take my whole family!
Give Gloria the Nissan anything she needs.
Buy Keeker a new collar.
A whole matching set of Georg Jensen daisy jewelry.
My mom every pair of shoes she ever wanted.
My dad whatever car he wants.
I have no idea what I would buy my brother, even if I had a billion dollars!
give a whole bunch of money to something important like research for skin diseases.
Start a scholarship for someone who matches my description
Heck, pay for my own school! And do my Master's Degree too!
Buy a round of Guinness for all my friends.
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